Substitute Saint
by Addsername
Summary: My friend and I decided to write a collab about what would happen if Jimmy subbed for our French class. Rated T because Jimmy doesn't understand the concept of "school-appropriate language". This is just... I have no words for how bizarre it is. Enjoy :


**Hey guys! So this is a fanfic I wrote with my friend Clara. All the characters are individuals that are actually in our French class and most of this is based on actual anecdotes. Sorry it's a little rambly in a few places. Enjoy and review, sil vous plait!**

THE SCENE: MME ROSEMARIE'S FRENCH II CLASSROOM

THE TIME: AFTER MATH CLASS BUT BEFORE DEBATE

Addie: *Walks into room* Bonjour, Madame Rosemarie!

Clara: *sitting in chair* Addie, it's not-

Addie: *Cutting her off* WHOA. You're not Rosemarie...

Clara: Wow, no kidding. Last time I checked, Rosemarie didn't look conspicuously like Tony Vincent.

Addie: *crying* DON'T TALK ABOUT TONY VINCENT. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE GOT KICKED OFF THE VOICE.

Substitute Teacher: Shut up. I don't like whiny kids.

Addie: Yessir.

Clara: So, what's your name? Aren't substitutes supposed to, like, have name tags or something?

Sub: Ask me in French.

Clara: Er... Quel est tu nombre? Mihi nomen est Clara.

Sub: Well I don't speak French but that sounded close enough.

Clara: Derp. So what's your name.

Sub: The name's Jimmy, and DON'T YOU FUCKING WEAR IT OUT.

Gwen: *walks into room* Whoa. Language. What's up with Rosemarie?

Addie and Clara: IT'S NOT ROSEMARIE!

Gwen *rounds corner* WHOA. That's definitely not Rosemarie. WHO ARE YOU SUBSTITOOTY PERSON

Jimmy/Sub: SAINT JIMMY AND DON'T YOU FUCKING WEAR IT OUT.

John: *enters room* So would you prefer to be called Jimmy or Monsieur Don't Fucking Wear It Out?

Girls: *snicker at John's derpyness*

Sub: Wow. You think you're funny. You may call me Saint or Jimmy or Llama or whatever the fuck else you want. Just one rule: DON'T YOU FUCKING CALL ME JAMES.

Kasahara: WHOAH. Who's the guy that looks like Tony Vincent?

Clara: That's Mr Saint Don't Call Me Jimmy James Don't Wear It Out Guy.

Kasahara: Okay then.

John: Esque nous regarde une filme?

Jimmy: Whudda hubba narwal?

Gwen: He doesn't speak French.

John: JARDIN BALONIE

Gwen: *cracks up*

All: *After cracking up hysterically for a really long time* *stare at each other*

Gwen: So, what are we doing today, Mr Saint Don't Call Me Jimmy James Don't Wear It Out Guy?

Sub: Today Rosemarie's schedule says we're watching a movie. Too bad. Today I'm teaching you how to-

Clara: *cutting him off* BUT I WANNA WATCH A MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Addie: *S'IL VOUS PLAIT?

Gwen: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE TOOOOOOO! *bursts into tears*

Clara: *cries on Gwen's shoulder*

Addie: I LOST THE DURNED GAME!

Sub: OKAY OKAY FINE WE CAN WATCH A FREAKING MOVIE! JUST STOP SCARING ME!

Addie: YAAAAAAAAAY!

Clara: YAAAAAAAAAAY! SPOON!

Addie: SPOOOOOOON!

Gwen: YAAAAAAY, NOT SPOON!

John: NARWHALS!

Kasahara: Narwhals?

Sub: STOP USING CAPS LOCK!

Clara: STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

Sub: I CAN DO WHATEVER I FREAKING WANT, BECAUSE MAH NAME IS SAINT JIMMY!

Addie: Wait. You're St. Jimmy?

Sub: YES! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NIMRODS? I'M SAINT JIMMY!

Addie: OH MAH GODS ITS ST JIMMEH!

Sub: You'd better not wear it out.

Addie: I WORSHIP YOOOOOU! *worships him*

Gwen: Ouughughgghhhhhhhh...

Clara: That was a weird noise.

Gwen: It was the I am NOT obsessed with Green Day noise.

Theo: *pops out of Clara's French book* Hi St. Jimmy, man!

Clara: HOLY CRAP YOU REALLY DO POP OUT OF THINGS!

Addie: I told you...

Clara: OH MY GAWSH THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!

Addie: Mmhmm! THEO!

Theo: ADDIE! You're that fangirl that keeps tweeting to me!

Addie: You betcha!

Theo: FRIENDHSIP HUG.

Addie: WHEEEEEEE! *hugs*

Jimmy: SO, breaking up this little lovefest, what movie do you little… um… munchkins… want to watch?

Class: MULAN!

Jimmy: NO.

Clara: WHY NOT?

Jimmy: Stop it with the caps lock!

Addie: STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

Jimmy: STOP USING CAPSLOCK!

Addie: FOURTH WALL.

Jimmy: Caps Lock. Stop it. Now.

Addie: Ugh. Fine.

Theo: I'm bored. Jimmy, SAY MORE WORDS.

Jimmy: CAPS. LOCK. STOPIT.

Theo: Hypocrite.

Jimmy: FOURTH WALL.

Class: UGH.

Theo: *pops into VCR*

Gwen: Whuh? Where'd Theo go?

Jimmy: Uh… away. Get used to it.

Class: Mmhmm. MULAN! MULAN! MULAN!

Jimmy: Absolutely not. *turns on TV*

Theo: *on TV screen* Hi kids!

Class: HI THEO!

Theo: So you're in French Class.

Kasahara: No kidding.

Theo: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME CHILD.

Clara: Whuh….uh?

Theo: So… let's learn French!

Addie: YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

Theo: Well…no. But I have this amazing thing called Google Translate!

Class: But Rosemarie tells us not to use that!

Jimmy: But… let me guess… you all do anyway.

Addie: Well…

Clara: Um…

John: Yeah.

Jimmy: Thought so. NOW LISTEN TO THE THEO PERSON.

Theo: Let's type stuff in. *pulls up Google Translate app on smartphone* Who wants to come up with the first sentence?

Addie: WHAT IS THE AIRSPEED VELOCITY OF AN UNLADEN SWALLOW?

Theo: AFRICAN OR EUROPEAN? I mean… NO. Better sentence anyone?

Clara: I LOST THE GAME.

Theo: AW DAMNIT CLARA I JUST LOST THE GAME. And not that.

John: I HAVE ONE.

Theo: Go for it.

John: *censored* *censored for your protection* me *censored* Megan Fox *censored*

Theo: Um….

Class: NO.

Theo: Too late. Already typed it in.

Google Translate: *censure* *censure pour votre protection* moi *censure* Megan Fox *censure*

Class: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! THAT"S SO DISGUSTING!

Theo: EHEHEHEEE.

Jimmy: STOP IT WITH THE CAPS LOCK!

Clara: STOP IT WITH THE POOR MUTILATED FOURTH WALL!

Addie: SPOONS!

Kasahara: JUST PUT IN MULAN ALREADY! Wait what?

Clara: I LOST THE GAME!

John: NARWHALS AND BUTTHOLES!

All: SHUT UP JOHN!

John: *giggles like a derp*

All the girls: JOHN!

Addie: AT least he's not talking about his weenuses like last time.

John: Oh, yes. I have some more education for you on that topic...

Addie: JOHN, I DO NOT WANT YOU TEACHING ME HOW TO OIL MY WEENUSES.

John: But proper weenus care is incredibly important!

Clara: Okay, moving on...

Jimmy: Weenus...

Gwen: It's the skin on your elbow.

Jimmy: Oh... *puts face in hands*

Theo: So, children, what are we going to do now?

Clara: Ooh, I know! Type "do a barrel roll" into Google Search!

Theo: Why...?

Clara: DO IT OR ELSE I SHALL EAT YOUR COOKIES.

Theo: *clutches invisible cookies* NUUUUUUUUU! *types "do a barrel roll" into Google Search*

All: OOOOOOH... AHHHHHHHHH...

Addie: CLARA MAKE IT DO IT AGAIN!

Clara: Fine then. *presses reload button*

All: OHMYGOSHTHAT'SAMAZING

Clara: Hehe A-MAIZE-ING

Addie: MAIZE

Clara: MAIZE

Gwen, Kasahara, Addie, and Clara: THAT'S A-MAIZE-ING.

Theo: What is this maize thing you speak of?

Gwen: *gasps* YOU'VE NEVER WATCHED GROWNUPS?

Jimmy: Nooooo...

Gwen: WHY NOT?

Jimmy: I'm busy projecting a dark and depressing image of America and shooting heroine to watch TV, thanks.

Addie: At least tell me you've seen Monty Python.

Jimmy: What''s that?

Addie: GASP! I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU WHATSOEVER! GO AWAY, TRAITOR!

Jimmy: NOOOOOOO! MY LOYAL FANGIRL!

Addie: Actually I'm a fan of Billie Joe Armstrong, but whatever. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. NEVERRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy: What if I give you a personal performance of Saint Jimmy?

Addie: OHMYGODYES.

Addie: YESYES. SING, PERSON.

Jimmy: Here we go...

Addie: OMGEEEH YESSSS

Jimmy: SAINT JIMMY'S COMING DOWN ACROSS THE ALLEYWAY...

Addie: *faints*

Theo: Look to the lady!

Gwen: Wait what the hell? Theo did you just reference Macbeth?

Theo: What? NO!

Kasahara: Mmhmm. So anyway. I think I know what we're doing in class today...

Addie: *magically revived* HEY I JUST SLAPPED YOLO IN THE FACE

Gwen: NERDY CULT CLASSIC FILM FESTIVAL BOOYAH

Class: AMEN

John: My weenus is dry.

Addie: May I offer you some weenus lotion?

John: Why yes, I would love that.

Jimmy: STOP IT WITH THE WEENUSES YOU TINY ANNOYING PEOPLE.

John: Er, Jimmy... You're portrayed on Broadway by Billie Joe Armstrong who's like five foot seven. On concept, I'm taller than you.

Jimmy: FOURTH. WALL. STOPPIT

Clara: SPOON.

Kasahara: MAIZE.

Avery: MOOSEN.

Addie: Whoa. Since when are you in this class?

Avery: Oh, I'm not.

John: ON WIH IT...

Theo: *puts Monty Python tape in VCR*

Addie: Theo, aren't VCR's kind of outdated?

Theo: Meh. DVD players are too mainstream.

Jimmy: WHOA WHAT THE HELL THEO. YOU'RE AN UNDERCOVER HIPSTER?

Theo: JIMMY. Every hipster knows the number one rule of being a hipster is that you NEVER tell people you're a hipster!

Jimmy: Emmhmm. Theo. Start the DVD.

*opening sequence begins*

Jimmy: I DON'T READ FUCKING SCANDINAVIAN

Theo: Scandinavian isn't a language, you nimrod.

Addie: OKAY STOP IT WITH THE GREEN DAY ALBUM PUNS.

John: *giggling like a little girl* mehehehe...moose...toothbrush...

Class: J'AIME MONTY PYTHON!

**TADA! Hope you enjoyed! Mucho gusto, (oh wait, wrong language), SaintAddie**


End file.
